Don't Cry, Don't Beg: Swallow Up My Mind
by SarcasticMoonGoddess
Summary: Lily and James are in love. But Lily's best friend Ro still hates all of James' friends- especially the one in love with her. Can Ro, who's been closed off to love for so long, find love with a person she now considers an enemy? Sirius/Ro, Remus/New chara
1. See Through My Eyes

Don't Cry, Don't Beg: Swallow Up My Mind (I See)  
  
A/N: Here I am, back again!!! Yay!! They like me, they really like me!!! Anyway, this one is going to be longer then 'When I Fall Down'. It's also going to be more complicated. STILL with songs in it. STILL romance. Less humor. All right, read on.  
  
A QUICK review to my chapter 7 reviewers in the other story:  
  
Mione: Thanks!  
  
cute-crazy-chick1: Yeah, don't you just love endings like that? :).  
  
axania chic: Thanks!  
  
Dragon-soul: Nice to have my long-lost reviewer back (LoL). Yeah, there's singing in this one, and in all of them.... :).  
  
mmsaidpotterluva: Yeah that's okay. Thanks!  
  
LaminaCourt: LoL. To clear that up, it was Sirius to Ro, understand now? Thanks!  
  
SiriDragon: He he he, me a fave author? I'm touched! LoL. Yeah, I like Ro too. She's one of my faves. :) I won't be too mean to her.  
  
Woo-hoo! FOURTY REVIEWS! Thanks to you all!  
  
Disclaimer: I own some songs, Ro, Malene, Lyn, Bren, the plot, Bia, and Ro's family.  
  
Rating: PG-13 for curse words and issues to be named later  
  
Genre: Romance/Drama  
  
Summary: Lily and James are in love. But Lily's best friend Ro still hates all of James' friends- especially the one in love with her. Can Ro, who's been closed off to love for so long, find love with a person she now considers an enemy? Sirius/Ro, Remus/New character. Read 'When I Fall Down Who Will Pick Me Up' before reading this.  
  
~*~Chapter 1: See Through My Eyes~*~  
  
Ro looked around the girl's dorm. She was the only one in there- the rest of the fourth year girls had gone home for the Easter vacation. The only fourth years left were Ro, Lily, and the Marauders, except for Peter.  
  
"Okay," Ro said out loud, "I have two bags of extra-butter popcorn, charmed to stay warm, two mugs of hot cocoa, also charmed, a stack of movies and a stack of CDs. What am I missing- besides my best friend?"  
  
"A brain?" suggested a familiar voice. Ro turned and sent Sirius a stoney glare. Then she sighed and slapped her forehead with the palm of her hand.  
  
"A charm on the door!" she reminded herself, slapping her head again.  
  
"Ahhhh, that too," Sirius remarked, walking in. Ro grabbed her wand and pointed it at his neck. Sirius held up his hands, his grin widening. She rolled her eyes. After a month or two, she had become friends with Remus, James and Sirius (she still, however, didn't like Peter- there was something about that kid that gave her the creeps) but sometimes- like now- they still got on her nerves.  
  
"Out," Ro said, smirking as she stepped forward and tried to push him out, but he grabbed her arms. "Get off me," she complained.  
  
"Say the magic word," Sirius announced.  
  
"Abracadabra," Ro joked, and green sparks shot from her wand, turning whatever they touched pink.  
  
"That's a real spell?" Sirius asked. Ro smacked him on his head with her wand, turning his hair pink. "Hey!" he exclaimed as she began to giggle.  
  
"You.... look..... so..... funny!" Ro cried, doubling over in laughter.  
  
"You think that's funny, hmm?" Sirius said, grinning evilly and pushing her back against the bed, tickling her, which made her laugh harder.  
  
"Aw, well isn't it everyone's favorite couple?" Lily said from the doorway, smirking. James and Remus, who were standing behind her, burst out laughing.  
  
Sirius and Ro began turning red. Sirius got off her quickly and leaned against the bed, still holding one arm. Ro stood up next to him, glaring at the two guys.  
  
"C'mon, you know you love him," Lily added teasingly. Ro turned to glare at Lily.  
  
"Yeah," James chimed in, "and he loves her right back." Then the three of them started laughing.  
  
"I do not love her!" Sirius protested.  
  
"You must be crazy!" Ro said at the same time.  
  
"Then why are you still holding her arm?" Remus asked.  
  
Sirius looked down at his hand and the same time Ro turned to look down. He let go quickly and stepped back a few steps. Ro stepped forward a bit and sat on her bed, throwing pillows at them.  
  
Lily ducked under the flying pillows and came over to sit next to Ro. "Ahhhhhh, you'll admit it in time," she said, grinning. "Hey!" she yelped a second later as Sirius hit her in the back with a pillow.  
  
"Out," Ro said tiredly, collapsing onto the bed. "Out!"  
  
Lily sighed and stood up. "Well, you heard her boys, out. Now!" she added as James started to step into the room.  
  
She turned towards Sirius, about to order him out, then paused and giggled.  
  
"Sirius, is your hair pink?" she asked.  
  
Sirius grumbled and stomped out, James and Remus following him. Ro charmed the door to keep them out and turned to Lily with a heavy sigh. "Okay," she said, "let's have some fun!"  
  
~*~  
  
The next day, Ro was in the empty common room. She checked her watch and sighed happily, doubting that anyone would come down at ten to eleven at night.  
  
She started strumming the guitar, working with a tune and lyrics for her newest song. She hummed softly, then played the same melody once. She started playing it and singing.  
  
"See through my eyes, brush away the tears didn't cry Erase so many years of being tough-"  
  
She frowned, then leaned over to her notebook, which was sitting on the table, and scribbled something out, re-writing quickly. Then she started singing again.  
  
"See through my eyes, see the tears I never cried See the lonely, freezing nights See the hours steal away another hour of my life See it all, it's all there Please see through my eyes"  
  
She gave an approving nod and smiled, then went back to the notebook. She was so deep into the song she didn't noticed Sirius coming down the stairs of the boy's dorm, yawning, until he came behind her and tapped her an the shoulder.  
  
Ro turned around, startled, then let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, it's just you," she said.  
  
Sirius grinned. "Who'd you think it was?" he asked.  
  
Ro shrugged. "A stalker?" she offered, also grinning.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes and sat on the couch next to Ro. "Whatcha got there?" he asked, peering over her arm.  
  
"Just a song," Ro muttered.  
  
"Ooooooooooh, let me hear it!" Sirius said.  
  
"No!"  
  
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"I won't tell anyone. C'mon, please?"  
  
"Weeeeeeeeell, all right," Ro finally agreed, glancing over the lyrics quickly, then playing a tune on the guitar.  
  
"Look in my eyes, can you see the story there Buried behind tears that I couldn't cry Behind so many years of being tough But look closely, stare as deep as you can go But be careful not to lose yourself in me Be careful, you'll see more than you should see  
  
I'm inviting you in, don't bruise me I'm opening up, don't misuse me  
  
See through my eyes, see the tears I never cried See the lonely, freezing nights See the hours steal away another hour of my life See it all, it's all there Please see through my eyes"  
  
Sirius watched her eyes as she played. It did seem like her eyes were telling a story.  
  
"Look in my eyes, can you see the story there It wouldn't be destroyed by tears I couldn't cry Or so many years of being tough Look closer, it's there, stare deeper, you'll see But don't lose yourself in me, please don't My sense of self is screwed up enough  
  
I've let you in, don't bruise me I've opened up, don't misuse me  
  
See through my eyes, through the tears I wouldn't cry Watch the hiding, angry days Watch as the years steal away another year of my life It's all there for you to see Please see through my eyes  
  
You're looking through my eyes, at the tears I couldn't cry At my scarred days and nights Watching the seconds take away another second of my life You're seeing all there is to see Of my screwed up life  
  
But be careful not to lose yourself in me My sense of self is screwed up enough"  
  
"What did you think?" Ro asked as she finished.  
  
"It's great," Sirius said, nodding. Ro let out a sigh of relief. "Can I hear another one?"  
  
Ro nodded and started playing a Dashboard Confessional song, one of her favorites, 'Living In Your Letters'.  
  
"And I know that you hope fire Long, good goodbyes Embracing for forever And falling in your eyes In your eyes"  
  
Ro closed her eyes and played like she had heard the song so many times.  
  
"Breathe deeply from this envelope It smells like you and I can't be without that scent It's filling me with all you mean to me To me"  
  
Sirius watched her as she fell deeper into the music, not realizing he was there anymore. She looked so beautiful.  
  
Tell her you love her, he told himself.  
  
But he couldn't.  
  
"So I'll hit the pavement It's gotta be better than waiting And pushing you far away cause I'm scared So I'll take my chances and head on my way up there Cause turning to you is like Falling in love when you're dead"  
  
Sirius smiled and clapped slowly as she finished the song. Ro smiled and opened her eyes. She put her guitar on the floor and leaned back against the sofa, curling her legs up against her stomach and chest.  
  
Now or never, Black, Sirius told himself.  
  
"You know," he whispered, moving slightly closer, "you look beautiful in the firelight." He leaned closer, going to kiss her.  
  
Ro jerked back. "I have to go," she muttered, words stumbling over each other. She picked up her guitar and her notebook. "See you tomorrow," she added as she hurried up the stairs.  
  
~*~  
  
A/N: There we go, chapter 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The first song in this chapter is 'See Through My Eyes' and it's mine! The second was 'Living In Your Letters' by Dashboard Confessional, or at least parts of it. 


	2. Won't Give Up

Don't Cry, Don't Beg: Swallow Up My Mind (I See)  
  
A/N: Ok, here we are again! This one  
  
Disclaimer: I own some songs, Ro, Malene, Lyn, Bren, the plot, Bia, and Ro's family.  
  
Rating: PG-13 for curse words and issues to be named later  
  
Genre: Romance/Drama  
  
Summary: Lily and James are in love. But Lily's best friend Ro still hates all of James' friends- especially the one in love with her. Can Ro, who's been closed off to love for so long, find love with a person she now considers an enemy? Sirius/Ro, Remus/New character. Read 'When I Fall Down Who Will Pick Me Up' before reading this.  
  
~*~Chapter 2: Won't Give Up~*~  
  
Ro sat down next to Lily and James in the common room, leaning on the arm of the large couch. She groaned at the firelight and turned towards the couch. "Light..... bad...... dark..... good......." she muttered.  
  
"Go to sleep, Ro!" Lily exclaimed.  
  
Ro shook her head. "Can't. Can't move."  
  
Lily groaned. "I give up!" she finally cried, standing up and pulling James with her, dragging him up the stairs to the girl's dorm.  
  
Ro felt a hand on her shoulder. "Go away," she muttered.  
  
"We need to talk," Sirius said from behind her. Ro flipped over quickly, all tiredness gone.  
  
"Why do you keep trying to talk to me?" Ro asked.  
  
"Because I like you, Ro," Sirius said calmly, sitting next to her.  
  
"But I don't like you," Ro reminded him.  
  
"You will," Sirius said calmly. "I'm not giving up." He got up and left, going up to his dorm.  
  
Ro sighed and sat up, then picked up her guitar from where she'd left it that afternoon. She started playing one of her favorite songs.  
  
"I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone I recommend walking around naked in your living room Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill) It feels so good (swimming in your stomach) Wait until the dust settles  
  
You live, you learn; you love, you learn You cry, you learn; you lose, you learn You bleed, you learn; you scream, you learn  
  
I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone I certainly do I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime Feel free Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind) Hold it up (to the rays) You wait and see when the smoke clears  
  
You live, you learn; you love, you learn You cry, you learn; you lose, you learn You bleed, you learn; you scream, you learn  
  
I recommend; I recommend I recommend; I recommend  
  
Wear it out (like a three-year-old would do) Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway) The fire trucks are coming up around the bend  
  
You live, you learn; you love, you learn You cry, you learn; you lose, you learn You bleed, you learn; you scream, you learn  
  
You grieve, you learn; you choke, you learn You laugh, you learn; you choose, you learn You pray, you learn; you ask, you learn You live, you learn "  
  
She finished the song and laid back, falling asleep with a clear head.  
  
~*~  
  
Ro ran onto the Quidditch field, holding her broom tightly in one hand, with a quill and parchment in the other.  
  
She mounted the broom and kicked off, leaning against the broom. It went high, fast. She sat up quickly, straightening the broom so it flew straight. Her legs trembling slightly, she pulled in her feet so the crooks fit around the broom, charming it to temporarily be glued there. She stood on the broom, still holding the quill and parchment, in a position resembling a surfer on top of a wave. She let go of the parchment, quickly spelling it to hold in mid-air in front of her. The quill laid on the paper until she cleared her throat. Then it jumped to attention, the black feather in front of her eyes.  
  
She thought a few minutes, humming softly. A few minutes later she started singing.  
  
"Knives can cut you deep But they can also slip Who wants to die When I just wanted to see the blood?  
  
"So I'll take my chances with a paper clip Small enough to control No one has to ever know  
  
I'll take my paper clip cuts They're as sharp as a knife's"  
  
She took her time thinking as the quill hurried to finish the last sentence.  
  
"Boo," someone whispered behind Ro. She lost her balance and fell backwards, into Sirius.  
  
"You!'' she shouted when she was standing on her broom again. "Idiot!"  
  
"Who, me?" Sirius asked innocently. Ro glared at him as her rose higher on his broom to be eye-to-eye with her.  
  
Ro groaned. "Get AWAY from me, Black!" she shouted, crossing her arms.  
  
"We need to talk," Sirius announced, ignoring her.  
  
"About what?" Ro snarled.  
  
"You and me."  
  
"Then there's nothing to talk about."  
  
Sirius grabbed her arms and pulled her closer.  
  
"Get OFF me," Ro shouted, "Or I'll-"  
  
But Sirius didn't hear what she'd do to him, because he kissed her, hard. She tried to struggle away, but he was stronger then her, holding her there. Finally, she pushed him away and pulled out of his grip.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, BLACK?!?!?!?!?!" Ro shouted, punching him in the stomach.  
  
"Oof," Sirius groaned, holding his stomach with one hand. "You sure can pack a punch."  
  
"Then don't kiss me," Ro growled.  
  
Sirius didn't know what to say about that.  
  
"Now get away," Ro said, dangerously soft.  
  
Sirius didn't move. "We used to be friends- remember?" he asked, then paused. "We almost were more."  
  
Ro softened, sitting down on her broom now. "I remember," she half- whispered. She shook her head, clearing it. "But that was then, Sirius. Things are different."  
  
"I haven't changed that much," Sirius said, taking her hand.  
  
"But I have," Ro said, sighing. "Three years have passed since we were friends- I'm different now. You're different. It's all changed."  
  
He raised his hand to her cheek, keeping it there when she didn't flinch or pull away. "Ro- one thing has changed," he whispered. "Before, I just wanted to be your friend. Now- I love you, Ro."  
  
Ro sighed. "I don't- I CAN'T love you," she told him, coming closer. "It would just hurt us both." She hugged him. "Sirius- we aren't who we were. Everything we both have now, everything would change. I'll always remember our friendship, though."  
  
She pulled back, and Sirius sighed. "I won't give up on you. You're different then other girls, Ro. That's why I love you. You'll love me one day." Then he left.  
  
"Goodbye, Sirius," Ro whispered, watching him leave. She started to cry, breaking all her previous spells. "Forever."  
  
The parchment, full of writing, drifted slowly to the ground.  
  
~*~  
  
Lily picked the piece of parchment from the air, reading it and smiling. She read the entire conversation and turned to James.  
  
"They'll fall in love," she predicted confidently as she handed him the parchment. "You can count on it."  
  
~*~  
  
A/N: Here we are- the second chapter! Hope you loved it as much as I did!!!  
  
To my reviewers:  
  
SiriDragon: LoL. Don't worry, Ro's my fave. I won't hurt her too much. And yeah, don't Ro and Sirius go good together? :)  
  
MarauderChic-Stripes: Thanks! And I agree! And I'll check out your story! 


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